Three bogs and a little bog roll

Warning: If you have sat down to read this with a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit, I'd finish the biscuit before continuing.

Every few weeks in our house, we end up in this harrowing situation. Three toilets; half a toilet roll remaining. Note to self: must purchase toilet roll. When I do buy toilet roll, I buy a 12 pack, and each bathroom has a holder which stores 4 rolls. Inevitably, the rate of the use of these rolls varies, so there is a long drawn out juggling that goes on as required.

Some people dream extra of WC facilities in their house, should they only have one. On occasions it is very useful. But in general, having three (or more) sounds luxurious, but in actual fact, it is a complete pain in the rear. Apart from the toilet roll situation, you also have the extra cleaning requirements. I defy anyone to claim they actually enjoy cleaning toilets; it's always the last job to be ticked off my 'to-do' list. And in fact, Friday is Toilet Cleaning Day, so I have that joy ahead of me today. Groan. Having spent the much of the last 8 years cleaning up excrement that is not my own, it doesn't seem quite so grotesque when contained within a nappy. So, I'd probably quite cheerfully go back to having the one bathroom. But I'd keep the en-suite and make the kids ask for permission to use it.

So, half a toilet roll remains, and there is a distinct atmosphere. Everyone is on high alert, and the slightest need to tinkle sends you running to avoid the battle for the room with the roll. Heaven forbid you should run for a number 2 and end up in one of the loos with an empty paper holder, as it leaves you at the mercy of another person. It's no fun having to shouting for one of your children, or your husband, to fetch the toilet roll from the another bathroom. If there is no one around, or if no-one hears you, you're faced with a waddle of shame to get it yourself. Simple enough if the elusive toilet roll is to be found in one of the facilities on the same level, but somewhat more complicated if stairs must be negotiated. I always imagine in this situation that the doorbell will go as it always does at the most inconvenient times, and you then have split second to decide whether to just pull up your undercrackers and run, or stand stock still and pretend you're not even there. Very difficult if you're awaiting a courier delivery. Absolute worst case scenario is that a friend drops by with whom you are very familiar, and she rings the doorbell and lets herself in shouting 'Only me!', finding you halfway down the stairs waddling like Dick van Dyke in the penguin scene of 'Mary Poppins' with your knickers at your knees. As long as it's not a mummy friend (who would be greeted by her own children in such a state on a regular basis) who goes into automatic bum-wiping mode at the sight of you.

And then there is always the chance that when you reach the next bathroom, the loo-roll is not to be found, and then on to the last and the roll is empty. Bugger! The waddle continues on the hunt for tissues or baby wipes, hoping that you don't clog the u-bend and have to poke around with an outstretched wire coat hanger. I must admit I never do this, I generally shut the door and leave it to my husband. Men have their uses.

Being on the road to permanent frugality, I usually stand in the bog roll aisle of Tesco with my calculator working out which loo rolls are the cheapest, per unit. In a family of 6, there is a lot of bum wiping to be done. It happens to be so that the cheapest in the last few weeks has been the Andrex luxury varieties; both the quilted and aloe vera varieties have been in special offer. I really love having posh loo roll, because the smart price stuff is really scratchy, like the stuff you find in motorway service stations. But the toilets don't like it so much. It might be thick and plush, but it bloody good at choking the pipes. Especially in the quantities used by the kids. Children are also not very good at flushing toilets, and if one of them does by some miracle, after they've all been twice. it's never nice to walk in to the loo to find the water up to the seat with.... well.... I don't need to elaborate really. One of those occasions where I walk out, shut the door, and lock it from the outside. And let the husband deal with it.

See, I knew there was a good reason to have extra toilets in the house....